Why aren't you a Trump supporter?

I don’t believe that Saudi Arabia and Russia “will vedoop bedeep uhhhh”

I don’t call Tim Cook “Tim Apple” and if I do I don’t deny what’s right there on the videotape because I’m too much of a fucking WIMP to handle Reality

I don’t run and hide from a debate like a fucking WIMP just becuase some moderator asked pointed questions

If there exists a “New York of Australia”, is it Sydney or Melbourne?

I don’t believe in asking the people of Iowa “how stupid are the people of Iowa”

When a reporter declines to join me in the rooftops fantasy I don’t go on stage and gyrate to mock his congenital disability

I have an acute aversion to scumbags

Was Jimmy Carter a good President of the United States?

I have complete contempt for traitorism

authoritarians can get down on the floor and bite my ass, yesterday

I know that he didn’t run against “Obamna”

What seemingly minor decision or moment in your past ended up having a massive impact on your entire life trajectory?

I know that if I or anyone I know commits a crime we’ll go to the clink

Fuck that piece of orange shit, fuck his idiocracy, fuck his sexism, fuck his racism, fuck his religionism, fuck his divisionism, fuck his lying, fuck his orange face paint, fuck his worship of Cult of Ignorance, fuck his Cult, fuck his jingoistic horseshit, fuck his manuipulations, fuck his toddler-age WIMPism, fuck his fucked-up values of ME ME ME and did I mention ME, and fuck him personally with a giant razor sharp dildo that’s been preheated to 204.7° F and built to the dimensions of the Washington Monument. Slowly.

I understand that you can’t inject bleach or light

What great song was "ruined" once you really listened to the lyrics?

I don’t respect shameless hucksters who try to sell a vitamin where you have to mail in your pee

I didn’t get out of military service with fucking “bone spurs” that I paid a doctor to write

I don’t hide in my hotel room while everybody else keeps the appointed time and place because my hair might get wet

Do all armies have the same rank structure?

I know the difference between “give me your tired, your poor” and “they’re poisoning our blood”

When I go Greenland shopping and Denmark says no I don’t melt down like a fucking WIMP

I actually pay taxes

I’m a man. Why do I always fantasize about men’s cock? I don’t want a relationship with the man, I just want to suck his cock.

I know the difference between “George Bush” and “Jeb Bush”

I know that sounds DO NOT cause cancer.

I have no sicko desire to control women or have a bizarro hangup with “blood”

What do people with very high IQs do all day?

I understand that when you lose an election you step the fuck aside and take it like a man rather than invade the Capitol while your loss is being made official just because you’re a fucking snowflake WIMP

I can read

I don’t buy made-up stories of “thousands and thousands of people dancing on rooftops”

What is the reason for The Acolyte (2024 series) having poor reception among Star Wars fans?

I know who the president of Turkey really is

I don’t respect a sleazeball who lies about his height just so he can lie about his weight

I don’t believe the way to respond to a hurricane is to call a press conference to describe it as “wet from the standpoint of water”, to distribute Play Doh, or to stand at a podium throwing rolls of paper towels as if they were bottles of ketchup

Has a cop ever said something to you which was completely unexpected?

If someone works for me, I actually pay them

I understand historical events enough to know there were no airports in the eighteenth century, that Canada didn’t burn the White House half a century before it existed and that World War Two already happened

I respect women and don’t respect those who don’t

Why do some films seem to date/age so badly?

I don’t believe Nazis, Klan klowns and white supremacists chanting “Jews will not replace us” comprise “very fine people”

I know there’s no such thing as invisible planes

Those are a few reasons off the top of my head. How ’bout you?

I don’t cotton to rapists

I can count

I don’t hold serial bankrupters in high regard

I have complete contempt for intentional stupidity

I have complete contempt for fakery

EVEN FUCKING MIKE PENCE understands that

I don’t believe there is a fucking “president of the Virgin Islands”

I don’t watch or listen to advertising

I have complete contempt for fraudsters, and even less for repeat ones

I understand how hurricane paths work

A real man doesn’t grab women by the p***y

It’s uncool to set up soft porn pics with your own preteen daughter

I respect other cultures and don’t respect those who don’t

I see through liars

I understand that you can’t just fucking nuke a hurricane

I have a reading level above third grade

I know the difference between Sioux City and Sioux Falls and even Sioux Center

I don’t buy bullshit

I took the same Oath and took it seriously

I know what Nikki Haley’s authority with the National Guard is

I’ve never tried to pretend the word would means wouldn’t

It’s uncool to lurk around teenage girls’ dressing rooms

I understand geography enough to know that Belgium is not a “beautiful city”, that Paris is not in fucking Germany, that India does share a border with China, that that border is peppered with Bhutan and Nepal, not “Button” and “Nipple”, that time zones exist, that “shithole countries” do not, that “England” and “the UK” are not the same thing, that you cannot build a wall in Colorado to keep out New Mexico, and that the Bronx is not and has never been “a very wonderful place in fucking Germany”

I don’t pretend not to know who David Dooky is just because he can deliver votes

Let us count the ways. Captain Obvious says: